The Odyssey
by ayokaeu
Summary: Written with the help of TheBoredOne XIII. The fire emblem characters acting out the Odyssey.. Heath is Odysseus. Rating for violence, ickyness, and loincloths. Harken bashing..
1. Cast List

The Odyssey - Cast List  
  
SPOILERS WARNING!!! Fire Emblem and certain Castlevania games..   
  
Odysseus: Heath  
  
King of Phaecia: Matthew  
  
Queen of Phaecia: Leila  
  
Lotus Eaters #1: Bartre  
  
Lotus Eaters #2: Dorcus  
  
Cyclops: Dart  
  
Other Cyclops: Pirates  
  
Men: Vaida, Merlinus, Marcus, Isadora, Wallace, Harken, Nathan  
  
Poseidon: Hawkeye  
  
Aeolus: Guy  
  
Laestrygonians: Karel Raven  
  
Circe: Farina  
  
Hermes: Lucius  
  
Tiresias: Lowen  
  
Sirens: Louise, Rebecca, Pent, Fiora  
  
Scylla: Serra, Florina, Oswin, Nils, Ninian, Renault  
  
Charybdis: Eliwood  
  
Athena: Nino  
  
Zeus: Athos  
  
Apollo: Soma (1)  
  
Cows: Looit and Looit's Family (2)  
  
Calypso: Legault  
  
Penelope: Priscilla  
  
Telemachus: Will  
  
Eumaeus: Rath  
  
Antinous: Sain  
  
Eurynome: Lyn  
  
Suitors: Kent, Canas, Erk, Hector, Jaffar, Geitz, Juste (3), Alucard(4), Karla  
  
(1) Soma Cruz from the Castlevania game Aria of Sorrow. (Alucard's father (Dracula) reincarnated).  
  
(2) Looit is a cow that can fly and talk.. Derived from "Lookit" with a typo... Bored's creation. Soma's pet.  
  
(3) Juste Belmont from the Castlevania game Harmony of Dissonance.  
  
(4) Alucard aka Adrian Tepes from the CV games Symphony of the Night, Aria of Sorrow, and CV3. 


	2. How Leila Returned, Far From Home

Pairings: Leila/Matthew, Heath/Farina, Heath/Legault, Heath/Priscilla, Priscilla/Erk, Juste/Alucard, Karel/Raven (don't ask).  
  
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A short explanation: ... since Leila is included ALIVE in this story.. a little background information is required. She came back to life. It went something like this:  
  
Hannah: *stirring a big pot* OOGA BOOGA OOGA BOOGA BOOM BAM UWAH FUFUFUFUFUUFUUUU!!! *burst of smoke*  
  
Leila: *rises out of pot* *dizzy* Where am I...? Where's Matthew...? He owes me four favours.... Must get payment for lending him lockpick...  
  
Hannah: You are alive, dear child!!  
  
Leila: Who are you? Are you Matthew? Wow... you sure got ugly over the last few months..  
  
Hannah: I am Hannah! Not Matthew.. I'll call for him. *runs to flap of tent* YO! MATTHEW! YOUR BITCH IS BACK!  
  
Matthew: MY WHAT?  
  
Hannah: THAT LEELAY THING!  
  
Matthew: WHAT?  
  
Leila: *pops up behind Matthew* You owe me four favours!  
  
Matthew: Gah-- Leila! I thought you were dead!  
  
Leila: Well, too bad, I'm not. About my lockpick...  
  
Matthew: um.. eh.. heh heh...  
  
Hector: Leila's back? Okay.. Matthew, I'm cutting your pay. My best spy is back.  
  
Matthew: WHAT?!  
  
Hector: *walks away*  
  
Leila: Aren't you going to tell me how much you missed me?!  
  
Matthew: . You're being Serra-ish..  
  
Leila: Serra's here?  
  
Serra: Hi Leila!  
  
Leila: Serra!! I wrote a new fanfiction!  
  
Serra: What just now?  
  
Leila: Yeah! *hands her papers*  
  
Serra: Ooohhh...... HeathxRath......  
  
Heath: Was I not tortured enough in this fanfic??  
  
Leila: :D  
  
Author: And that was how it happened. I just made up HeathxRath on the spot but that's not a bad idea.... o.o;  
  
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The Odyssey - Far From Home  
  
"Welcome to Phaecia, oh puny one! OW-- Leila! I mean, welcome stranger to my banquet hall! Tell us, what is your name and from where do you come?" asked Matthew, King of Phaecia. He sat upon a glittery cardboard throne raised high above the tables. Actually it was suspended by cables. Raven and Karel were doing their best not to swing him.. too much.  
  
"I am Odysseus, son of--" Heath glanced at his right palm. "Laertes! I come from Ithaca, a land somewhere over there...east, you know? Um... Very nice place. You should visit some time and boost the economy."  
  
"Um.. sure. Mountains?"  
  
Heath nodded. "Yeah, there are mountains. And lakes. Pretty lakes with dolphins with damn big-- damn big--- begins with a B.."  
  
"..."  
  
"Brains! Yes, brains! Damn big brains. Whole sea full of brains.." (1)  
  
Leila glared at the both of them.. "Foolish men... SO, ODYSSEUS! Tell us how you got here.. no water, no boat, no crew.."  
  
"No clothes..." muttered Matthew. "I think I'm traumatized for life..."  
  
Heath stood up from his place at the table, only slightly aware of the fact that the edge of his cape was caught under the leg of Old Man Fargus' chair. "We were on our way home from Troy to Ithaca, Ithaca, what a dumb name.. Ithaca.. Ithaca... er.. sorry.. We sailed from Troy to the land of the Cicones. My men raided the fortress and did icky things to their women and bishounen.. Stop staring. Um.. nevermind..." He paused. Walked away from the table to further dramatize his story.  
  
"..."  
  
After picking himself up from his trip, Heath turned to face the King and Queen. "I called my men back from the ship but they were stupid, idiotic, and well... okay I had Harken on my ship so you know how that is.. Anyway....."  
  
"So, master Odysseus!" exclaimed Harken.  
  
"What it is, infide-- Harkenus?" asked Heath. (2)  
  
"Master Odysseus! Look! A great army approaches! This is exciting isn't it? Who do you think their general is, huh Odie?"  
  
"Don't know. Don't care. Don't call me Odie." Heath turns to the rest of his men. "GUYS, GET ON THE FSCKING BOAT!!"  
  
"An' an'.. what about me captain?"  
  
"Go and quietly die, please."  
  
"What?" asked Harken.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
The army decended on them with lances.  
  
"I really don't wanna do this I reall don't wanna do this.. I wanna go back home to Bern.." muttered Heath.  
  
"What, master Odysseus? You want to burn? Okay..." Marcus turned to the crew. "We're all going to burn!"  
  
"No, no, I said BERN you dolt!" shouted Heath, dodging an arrow.  
  
"That's what I said!"  
  
"No! I said Bern! You said burn!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"There's a shaman coming at you, pay attention, Marcus!"  
  
They fought until noontime. A custom in Elibe, they sat down on the battle field and lunched. It is an old saying... "If the stomach is empty, empty, too, lies the heart." Or so Lowen claims...  
  
Heath and Hyperion were sitting as far away from his crewmembers as he could. "So, Hyperion, what do you want to eat?"  
  
Hyperion looked at Heath.  
  
"Archers?"  
  
The wyvern shook his head.  
  
"Falcoknights?" Shake. "Pirates?" Shake. "Myrmidons?" Nod.  
  
"Okay... there's a dying one over there, I think..." Heath pointed out a groaning man with a steel lance through his chest.  
  
GULP.  
  
After a short break they broke their weapons once more. Heath and his men managed to escape even though there were greatly outnumbered.  
  
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(1) Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman  
  
(2) Odysseus' men don't have names so I kinda changed Harken's name a bit to sound more... Greek?  
  
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Please review! Next stop: The Land of the Lotus-Eaters! 


	3. The Land of the LotusEaters

The Odyssey - The Land of the Lotus-Eaters  
  
written by Ayokaeu  
  
based on the Odyssey by Homer  
  
based on a verbal RP by Ayokaeu and TheBoredOne  
  
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Harken fans beware.  
  
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Heath and his men were back at sea but Athos, aka Zeus, the god of all gods, brought up a storm to punish our hero.  
  
"Look Brammi, it's that idiot Odysseus! He's stolen the heart and time of my dear daughter, Athena! He has plundered cities! He hates his own men as if they were his enemy! He--" shouted Athos.  
  
"Daddy!! I don't like Odysseus!! I like Jaffar!" exclaimed Nino.  
  
"Who's Jaffar? You like Odysseus. You follow him around. You talk to him. Blah blah blah.. How come you never spend anytime at home with your dear old mom and pop anymore?" asked Athos.  
  
"Um.. well.."  
  
"Um well is not a good reason, young lady!"  
  
"But--!"  
  
"I WILL RAISE UP A STORM AGAINST ODYSSEUS!!" thundered Athos.  
  
"..."  
  
Athos walked as briskly as a man his age can into his kitchen. Pulling out his best, biggest, and most glittery cauldron, he began to fill it with various things from his many shelves. "Hm... magnet bracelets.. golf balls.. a grow-your-own-sea-monkey-kit.. English breakfast tea grown in India.." About twenty minutes later Athos heaved the giant pot over to the kitchen window. He carefully tipped the pot, pouring the contents outside, right over Heath's ship.  
  
"Master Odysseus!"  
  
"What is it, Harkenus?" said Heath. They were on deck, sitting in woven chairs and drinking ice-cold lemonade.. Or.. at least Heath was drinking lemonade. Nobody quite knows what Harken was drinking.  
  
"Do you want to hear my theory about the Earth, sir?"  
  
"Suuuure."  
  
"Well.. I've been thinking, master, that the Earth is not flat!"  
  
Nod.  
  
"And.. and.. don't laugh at me.. but I also believe it spins!" cried Harken.  
  
"That's nice."  
  
"And, you know what else? I think.. I think that the Earth goes around the sun! You know like how when you push the little silver lever thing in the outhouse the water goes vrooooosh and the water goes round and round.. Well.. the sun is like the drain thingy and the earth is like the uh.. uh.."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What was that word again? The earth is like the.."  
  
"Master, Odysseus! Look! Look!" Nathan ran over to the captain, pointing at the sky.  
  
"Hm?" Heath looked up. "Oshitoshitoshit..."  
  
Harken brightened up. "That's it! That's the word! Thank you, master Odysseus!! So, so.. what do you think of my theory? Good? Bad? I think perhaps I should write it down.. If only I knew how to write! I could send it in a bottle or something--"  
  
"Have bottles been invented yet?" asked Merlinus.  
  
Harken went on. "And.. I could throw the bottle in the sea! If we don't get home, not saying that we wont but just to be safe, the bottle would get somewhere and then someday in the future someone could read it and-- and--!"  
  
"It's getting closer, captain!" yelled Nathan.  
  
Heath's eyes were fixed on the greenish-blue mass of something falling very fast towards his ships.  
  
Harken tugged on Heath's tunic. "Master Odysseus! Are you listening??"  
  
"Look up, stupid!"  
  
"Huh? What's that? Ooohh it's pretty.... Is it a birdie? OW!" The squishy thing leaped off Harken's back and rose into the air above Heath's boat. It began to rain. Cats and dogs. Really.  
  
After a week of sailing, the rain stopped. Harken had lost all of his memory. The rest of the crew had gone about their way recalling the events in his life. Harken's 'memory' was something like this:  
  
Harken was born in Greece. His mother was a doberman and his father was a mixed breed. When he was five he went to an all girl's school. When he was eight he had a boyfriend named Erk. At the age of thirteen he decided to have a sex change because he felt like a man in a woman's body. He and Erk broke up. His parents died and the economy was dying so at age sixteen he dropped out of school and spent the next five years as a prostitute. He wasn't making a lot of money (he didn't make any money, actually) so he gave up and joined Heath's crew to fight in Troy.  
  
"Do you really think he's going to believe that?" said Heath to Vaida.  
  
"Sure, why not?"  
  
"Um..nothing." Heath turned to look out the window. "Hey..."  
  
"Yes, master Odysseus?"  
  
"LAND!!!!!! I see land!" cried Heath. He pointed out the window westward. A small forest was sprawled out lazily near a golden beach. He could sea natives dancing on the shoreline.   
  
They landed.  
  
Two huge, muscular, ugly men walked up to them.  
  
"Hi! My name is Bartreus!" said the first.  
  
"And my name is Dorcus!" said the second.  
  
Bartreus spoke again. "And we're here to welcome you to the LAND OF THE LOTUS-EATERS!!!  
  
"Yes, yes." agreed Dorcus. He held out a platter of flowers.  
  
Heath strained his neck looking up at Dorcus. "Um.. thanks for the flowers? My name is Odysseus, from Ithaca. We've been at sea for a week now and our food is running low? Do you have anything to eat?"  
  
Bartre weaved the "LAND OF THE LOTUS-EATERS" sign in front of his face.  
  
"Um... is that a kind of grasshopper or something?"  
  
Dorcus shoved the flower dish into Heath's hands. "Be happy!"  
  
"..."  
  
Heath turned to Harken. "Hey.. Harken!"  
  
"My name is Roy," said Harken.  
  
"Um... okay. Roy, would you try one of these flower thingys?"  
  
"Okay!" Harken walked over to the flowers, picked one up, and put it in his mouth. "Mmmmmm.... tastes like.. like... Isadora.."  
  
"WHAT?!" yelled the paladin.  
  
"Mehehheheeee! Masster Odyssssssseussss! I like this place!"  
  
"Um.. yes.. It's very nice."  
  
"Better than Kansasssss! I never wanna go home!" exclaimed Harken as he danced around them, smiling like Sain.  
  
"Where's Kansas?"  
  
"Um.. ssssomewhere ssssssouth of Osssssstia. I think." He held out a flower to Heath. "Try it, massssster! Hey..... why isss your sssskin green? I ssssmell applessssssss...."  
  
"..."  
  
Heath turned around and started to run really fast towards his ships. The crew followed.  
  
"Hey! Master Odysseus! The script says we need to bring Harkenus!" said a random archer.  
  
"Leave him."  
  
"But!"  
  
"No time!"  
  
"What are we running from?"  
  
"Drug dealers!"  
  
"What?"  
  
They sailed away from the beach. Dorcus was still offering them flowers.  
  
"Okay.." said Heath. "We got no food but at least I got rid of Harkenus.."  
  
"No we didn't," stated Merlinus.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Marcus rescued him and they're in the mess hall now trying to get him back to normal."  
  
"Normal.. ha.." Heath went to his cabin to sulk.  
  
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Please review! Next stop: The Cyclops! 


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